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this has made me cry tonight. not that i expect it would take much.
i am rather unhappy with me life now, in order to live with myself i have thrown everything into the one thing that makes me happy and now i just feel like i am suffocating it, even though she told me not to take it personally... what can a self absorbed person do? take it personally.
maybe it isn't even that. i didn't like how i reacted. i don't like how it makes me feel. i want to throw a fit but i can't bear to deal with the regret i am sure to have - plus it is only more crushing when no one even notices you have thrown your fit.
i sort of feel like i need to lock myself away for a couple days. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| i am more sensitive than anyone will ever know.... and it sucks. i don't want to be like this but it feels so deep and painful and when i think of the situations that cause me this pain... it doesn't make sense. i shouldn't be overreacting to every little thing and i try so hard to keep it in and rationalize it away - cause i don't want it and it isn't fair to anyone to have to deal with it.
i wish there was something i could say to myself that would make it all better. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| feels like i haven't updated in forever....
i started smoking cigarettes again awhile back (right after i came back from vacation) and not it is kinda getting outta control. granted it has been years since i have been a heavy smoker and we are still not even talking about a pack a day... Marlboro Smooth 100s - mmmmmm bleeding lungs
school is back on board... i think everyone is ready for me to graduate. 2003? that would be six years, yet perhaps technically 5 since 2 semesters (not back to back) were unofficial withdraws. i guess that isn't so long considering my 3 changes in majors. maybe it just feels really long because i put off school for a good while after hs.
candy corn hershey's kisses are amazing.
i am trying to make some hard copies of a handful of dvds. wow when did it become to complicated. granted i think i wanted to try new and shiny things and in the end i uninstalled most of them. when i ended up using was anydvd along with dvdshrink and dvd decrypter (to burn the image).
we will see how it all turns out the first disc should be done before i pass out at the computer that way i can have another one going as i sleep.
since reformatting (a couple weeks ago) i have still been unable to commit to a media player... well for my music. we all should be using mpc for videos. if someone would just make me a itunes clone in foobar2000 i would have their child. i tried once, and well whatever i am no good at getting foobar2000 to do what i want it to do. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| yesterday and today were really good days. maybe the best i have had here in this crappy town in a very very long time. they were not perfect, but i have never really done perfect so no biggie.
nicknames are not necessary
my scale gets me weed
mushroom dust
i plan on getting up early tomorrow and fuck i got no sleep last night. i was up till 2am smoking with some girls from work, well first smoking with the guy who hooked us up, he had a swell blue glass hammer that he proceeded to try to sell us (figures...).
everything is just better with her. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | what would be the perfect line to give someone you want to sleep with right after they tell you about a sex dream they had involving you? | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| so... baby steps i assume. i was able to speak and actually feel better after doing so. it was pretty insignificant on the grand scale of things i want to say - but it was still hard to say.
i have been telling myself, when areas of my scalp go numb, that my brain is trying to break through. i feel so detached from my brain and body lately and i have to wonder how that is and what "I" am.
i need to reformat my computer which is something i have already put off too long. i was hoping this mobo change would go unthinkably smooth, but yeah, not really. it would be nice to use all my monitors and to have sound emit from my computer... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| it is getting old how one little insignificant thing can ruin my entire day. not that i was having a great day, but i also was not having a horrible day and now i just am over reacting to not getting my way and i feel sick.
i think i want to talk about things. which is not very like me at all, but i think that i a lot of my recent anger is due to feeling like i am in the dark, granted there is always fear of the light but in the end one gives you the sight to move forward and other only impedes your movements.
i am really afraid that i will just say everything i want to say and the person i am saying it to will just be horrified. do you keep what you have knowing that while it does make you happy, it will never be enough or do you pursue more and risk losing it all? i suppose i am no the first to ask this, but losing it all does not sound at all appealing. i want to pursue more but know that if it amounts to nothing things can just go back to the way they were.
there is a high level of vulnerability in letting others know you are after more... maybe i am just crazy? this is how i feel. maybe it is simply revealing the desire that i am uncomfortable with or having to deal with an unmatched desire.... blah blah blah
someday i will either back down or step up... i am a coward. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Dirty? like hard, ass grabbing, hair pulling, mouth watering, dirty?
yes, yes, of course | | comments: Leave a comment |
| not about to see your light
but if you wanna find hell with me
i can show you whats it's like
till you're bleeding | | comments: Leave a comment |
| lots of things going around in my life. thinking a lot about how i will approach asking for a raise and where i might draw the line. d-day will be monday morning and it all making me sick to my stomach. once i start thinking about it i start getting angry as well... and the girl knows how much this one guy is making and refuses to tell me and i have a sickening feeling that he makes more than me. i know it shouldn't be a huge deal, but it has become one. i don't mind being on the bottom of the supervisor pay scale, but when new people are coming in making as much as me...
i guess life is unfair, or maybe it is... no one is gonna watch out for you - even if they pretend you are vital to the situation.
hopefully i will have only one more thing to say about this... on monday.
my outburst alone has me wondering about my state of mind. i want to blame the shape and nature of the item i beat for the degree of my injuries and not connect this to some sort of repressed rage (stemming from what i would guess is a multitude of things). shit like this always happen right when you think you have finally have some sort of grasp on your behavior... maybe it was all a delusion and i was never close.
maybe it all sounds emo, but i feel emo free. i was dwelling, for a while, on thinking that nothing good ever happens to me, i never get the big important things i really want and basically how this cycle will haunt me for the rest of my life. obviously the only productivity that came from that thinking was the avoidance of some, now apparent, issue(s) i need to deal with. even though i know this is what i am/was doing, i am still unable to deter myself.
i have been more paranoid lately. when i get that way i become a little... i dunno. i get really quiet and i can't look people in the eyes. granted i always have these paranoid thoughts and "what ifs" running through my mind, yet when i can't tell myself this isn't really happening i get lost in the flow of them and start to shut down like i am preparing for an attack. sadly this is when people want to know what is up with you.. "what's the matter?" and it is hard to just say "i am trying not to get sucked into the idea that you and half of the staff are conspiring against me"
i actually did divulge to the girl that before my little outburst the main thoughts going through my head dealt with me being a joke and being laughed at by a group of people. as i was actually saying it out loud i just felt horrible, like i was sharing some horrible secret and i had a familiar physical reaction of going numb or fuzzy.
this is why most of this never gets said out loud. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| the other morning i discovered the rest of my injuries due to my fit....
2 huge bruises in the same place on each arm, weird shaped bruise on left hand's wrist, 2 gross buises on my ring and pinkie finger of my right hand. all this along size a still growing yellow, green, blue, red, and purple bruise... it kinda looks like a cross section of a planet.
so now i sort of come off as some crazy pent up rage freak. maybe i don't but that is how i feel. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| i hurt my hands lots and lots today. my right hand. so it has been a left handed day for the most part. my fingers are lovely and pain free, but any grasping or pressure on the actual hand is killer. actually at first i thought it was broke, but i am sure now i just fucked it up.
so i hurt it. did this to myself. i didn't want to intentionally injure myself but i did want all the rage inside of me to dissipate and it did. right after i injured my hand i had to write something down... it was very complicated.
so the fit i threw was about my hourly wage at work. i thought it didn't bother me, but every day i learn how much someone else is making and i am pissed. the longer i have to wade in this anger the more paranoid i will become. today i just thought i must be the biggest joke for management, that they must laugh at how much they get to pay me, how i am the only supervisor who isn't offered benefits, who doesn't earn any vacation time. why?!?
my conclusion is that i am a sucker. a fool. and that is how i think. in the end it is apparently my fault for letting work take such extreme advantage of me. i can't even hate work i just continue to hate myself more and more until there is no more room for any of it and i have to find a release, risk self injury and then hate myself for throwing a fit.
it is a fine cycle i have got. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| just got a txt from my boss saying i don't have to come in till about 11:30 so now i am bored.
i found out how much my co-workers are making. obviously i know i shouldn't know... but it is too late for that. granted i was really pissed off for about an hour after finding out - now i feel insulted and the need to take advantage of how little i am getting paid (in relative terms) in the form of extra slacking and more frequent smoke breaks.
i also got ripped off last night, and i am still very pissed off about that, i woke up at 8 to get some water and started to think about it and it pretty much kept me up for that hour i could have been sleeping. i guess the big thing is that i am unsure if it will get taken care of. i assume there is a huge possibility it won't.
that was the start to this day so already i would say it is a "bad" day. if they called me and told me not to come in to work i would be really happy. do i think it will happen? no. do i really want it to happen? not really. i have tues and wed off... could you imagine what my paycheck would look like? not very fun (i even bitched about that- i hate two days off in a row).
but i still wouldn't object to a day off so i could sit here and hate the world from the privacy of my own room.
my brother has a secret gf. well secret to everyone but apparently my parents (or maybe just my mom) since that is how i kinda overheard it. then on his birthday i was looking at his phone (cause i still think it looks cooler than shit: motorola krave) and i saw some weird girl on his wallpaper and then he quickly asked me not to look at the pictures, which of course i then stayed away from.
anyhow i guess the biggest curiosity for me is why it has to be such a secret. he really isn't secretive and has had other gfs before. obviously it isn't so secret he can't have her face on his phone, but where is she... it is a mystery. one i don't really think about often. my brother's ability to share personal stuff with my parents use to be something i envied. my parents have been the best, even when i hated them and i still could never tell them anything. i guess at the very least it is not exclusively them i don't share things with...
i use to feel like my brother and i had been on the same sinking boat, but lately i am starting to think that maybe he was always sort of just on the beach getting harassed by the sharks and never actually getting eaten like i was. this thought really evokes a horrible combination of emotions.
i should not be left to ramble, i think about all the wrong things and just make it worse for myself | | comments: Leave a comment |
| i heard some words that... i dunno why they struck me so hard. i knew what was said to be true, hell i told myself the exact same thing months ago. yet when you actually hear it out loud you have to stop for a moment and analyze everything and make sure this is what you signed up for.
and it is.
i know it is wrong for me, because i am insecure and every day i go on like this i hate myself more and more - but i also can't honestly say that i wouldn't keep hating myself more and more everyday by not being in this situation.
because i am still ignoring huge issues, that are stunting everything i could have imagined, when something doesn't go perfect in this area of my life i feel like it is the end of the world. total melodramatic bullshit - and then i hate myself for being this person that i don't want to be.
so it wasn't really what what said that struck me so hard, it was that it had to be said.
it is really hard being in last place and trying to convince yourself you are not a loser. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | knowing you could do something, but that you should not do anything can be a really crappy feeling sometimes. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| well i haven't updated in some time and i assume it is too common of a practice for me lately.
life was good and now it is... eh, with a sprinkle of good here and there.
went away to washington for 1.5 weeks. we went to Olympia, Tacoma, Seattle, Bremerton, Federal Way, Hoh Rain forest, Illahee state park, some national forest surrounding Mt. Rainer National Park. my friend and i got lost a lot but it was fun and we always sort of looked at being lost as a battle, and we both love puzzle games. went to pridefest, saw the tempest performed by the seattle shakespeare comapany (i loved their theater). was in my first rain forest, saw my first slug (which seems unbelievable to some people). drove onto a ferry. bought a shit ton of slurpees and took tons of random pictures.
was not happy to be back to things. i got back on the 1st and i am still not adjusting. maybe i refuse to adjust.
there is also a complex situation with a girl that can cause me to be emo at times, but overall i am happy and enjoy her immensely.
i am pretty much still disinterested in everything. someday... | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| lately i have felt like a machine. i work 8-11 hours a day - today is my 11th day of work in a row. it may not be overwhelming but going from 20 hrs a week to this i don't think my sleeping has forgiven yet.
tomorrow i am outta here for a week and a half to drive to washington and do whatever, whenever for the most part. a friend and i are planning on hopping from campground to campground. our only plans are seattle shakespeare company and seattle pride parade.
i am not a camper and i worry, but i am determined to give it my best shot and have fun. i honestly feel that even if it was a horrible time to be had - it would still no doubt be better than this state at this point in time.
i need to get the fuck away! (from many things) | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | AIR - Biological | | Time: | 11:02 pm |
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| it appears that the more that happens in life the less i use livejournal. i feel like Mitsue from Kamichu!; even though some crazy shit is happening i still look around and feel bored and think nothing exciting ever happens to me.
perhaps some things just sound exciting.
there are some horrible things that seem to slowly be fading into an overall numbness and then there are some great things that i fear will ultimately end up doing the same. i try to live for now with absolutely no expectations which really only goes to allow the existence of any shred of expectation to induce guilt and self-loathing.
Biological
I don't know why I feel that way with you
Biological
I need your DNA | | comments: Leave a comment |
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undetectable's journal
